So I just opened my story up after a five-day hiatus and saw that my last time on I only typed 254 words. First off, I am NOT complaining, the one thing I realize is any word count is progress. My problem is that I am so critical on myself so every time I write something and then don’t write for a day or so I emotional beat myself down.
Now of course when I do this, it only makes me feel worst and even less likely to want to write and then what happens? You guess it, a never-ending cycle on self-abuse. I am continuously working on ways to better myself over all, including writing more and stopping being my personal punching bag.
I truly love to write; I just sometime don’t feel like the words are flowing through me like they did about ten years ago. I am in a constant battle with the different parts of me; the writer, the mother, the pessimist, the student, the provider, and the friend. They all fight for what they feel is the best part to help the whole package be the best that she can.
You know every once and while they all stop yelling and realize that each part makes the whole special and in those wonderful moments, magic is made. Words flow like crystal streams; my creativity is like the great rapids. Violent moments of poet expression, followed by smooth intellectual thoughts that when put together give birth to the fantastic worlds I see so clearly in my mind.
Now I would never say I don’t want to make money from my writing, because I do, I love to be able to write forever and be able to support my family while doing the one task next to motherhood that lifts me and keep me. But I also write for the love of writing, for the joy of having someone see what it is I see and become in awe like I am everyday when the picture is finally complete.
I have sat down and wrote about characters that have made me cry and wonder when someone else reads about them will they cry. I have been mad at characters, cheered other on, and felt glad when others found love. I write because I have something to say, I have stories to tell and want to share them with world.
I was a creative enigma and everyday I learn to be a writer. I have always been a storyteller, but I humble at the art of words on paper. I pay homage to all the greats that came before and pave the way for me to explore this great thing known as writing. I respect all those who has reach the point where they can say they finally made it and patiently wait for my moment when I can say the story has ended.
I know I am the hardest on myself and I am the only on standing in the way of myself. But I will not force what is already there, I will continue each day to work and work harder. I will fight the doubt and the fear, I will slowly learn to remember the feeling of chance and learn how to once again enjoy the unknown. I will stop writing and I will never stop until every one of my stories is told and my great masterpiece is complete.