So I Have No Idea What I Want To Do With My Life

When I first meet a person and they ask, “What’s your profession?” My first thought is always “Writer!” However, if they ask what I do for a living, now that becomes the million-dollar question. Now I get paid to as a per diem early education worker, but I also work as a writer and a party planner, currently not well paid, but my employment nonetheless.

With that being said, you’re probably wondering why am I writing about not knowing what I want to do with my life. It’s simple, it’s not that I don’t know what I want to do, it’s that subconsciously I’m scared of taking that leap of faith off the cliff.
Not to mention that like with every other person in the world, life can sometimes step in the way change your plans.

However, sometimes the avoidable can be unavoidable and you just have to take that step. So for me, it’s not that I don’t know what I want to do, it’s that I can’t pull myself to make that big step. Being a creature of habit, I am a product of my own fears and slave to my own doubts.

I recently watched a video for an online class I’m currently in and the speaking made an excellent point. She stated as a writer you must put your writing first and everything else second and once you do that the rest of your life will follow and fall into place. The writer in me embraced this knowledge wholeheartedly and can’t wait to be able to incorporate such wisdom into my life. Unfortunately, the rest of me have no idea how to pull something like that off. For me I am writer 1st, mother 2nd, and wife 3rd, each part feeling that there should always be a balance even when mother consumes my overall self.

The mother in me has been holding the trump card for the last 12 years of my life and has almost completely consumed my soul. Now don’t miss understand in no way do I feel my mother self is anything but a blessing. But in the end it can’t be all that I am because then when the children are gone where would that leave me. So back to the problem at hand; “I have no idea how to fully embrace what I want to do with my life!”

Normal life fights me everyday when I attempt to make the necessary moves to write the simplest of sentences. My heart feels like it’s neglecting something when we close ourselves up and begin to put the pen to the paper. Yes I know in the end my heart is being neglectful, neglectful to itself, neglectful to what ultimately makes me whole and makes my heart sing. Well I could spend a lifetime writing about the eternal battle I fight with in myself each day, but that still doesn’t change the fact that I am standing at the crossroads to the rest of my life and must make a choice.

The choice is easy, I AM A WRITER, now I just me to remind myself and say, “Hey you, sit down and just write!”


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